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I tried to push him away with every argument we had in the first year of our dating, and I couldn’t figure out why -

No one ever told me that being in a healthy relationship could actually bring up all my old traumas.

Instead of feeling calm, I felt anxious.

Instead of feeling safe, I kept waiting for something to go wrong. Instead of feeling happy, I started arguments for no real reason, not because anything was wrong, but because feeling calm felt unfamiliar.

My body didn’t know what to do with peace. It felt scary, even though it was exactly what l always said I wanted.

I wasn’t reacting to him. I was reacting to everything I hadn’t healed yet.

It wasn’t until I started really healing and learning about how trauma shows up in relationships that I began to understand my behavior

Trauma tricks your mind into thinking that stress is safe and love isn’t. I kept pushing him away because,

Unconsciously, I really didn’t feel worthy of his unconditional love, let alone his unwavering patience and commitment.

What was happening was that my nervous system finally felt safe for the first time with him, which allowed my trauma to come up to be dealt with. This process often occurs in healthy relationships.

If you’re in a healthy relationship but feel triggered all the time, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just healing. Your nervous system is learning that love doesn’t have to come with pain to be real.

Klavdija